The Box
by xotakux2002x
Summary: What's in the box? What's in the box! That's what the Akatsuki wants to know.


"What do you think it is, un?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?"

"Don't get so touchy, un. It's just a question, Hidan."

"I think we should just open the damn thing."

"But it says 'don't open', un!"

"What are you two doing?" Itachi cut in.

Hidan and Deidara looked up at the Uchiha, quite surprised to find that the ninja had wandered into the kitchen without their knowing. True, it'd be a lousy ninja that couldn't properly sneak around a ninja base, but normally the bomber and zealot were a bit more aware of their surroundings. At the moment, however, the duo had been distracted by a box sitting in the middle of the counter. It wasn't terribly large, and couldn't have been more than a foot long either lengthwise, or in height, or in width. It was wrapped in bright blue paper with white ribbons and a bow, and had a large gift tag attached that simply read, "Don't open!" Deidara had found the box in the kitchen when he'd gone there to make breakfast, and was still analyzing the package when Hidan wandered by and got roped in as well. Now, it appeared Itachi would be joining their guessing game.

"We're trying to figure out what's in this without opening it, un," Deidara explained, motioning to the box. He and Hidan had yet to touch the package, instead choosing to observe the item from the safety of the barstools on the other side of the counter. "So far, no luck."

"Just let me open it!" Hidan snapped. Patience had never been the Jashinist's strong suit, particularly when dealing with a mystery this enticing.

"I have a better idea," Itachi cut in, Sharingan eyes activating as he peered closely at the box.

"Hey Hidan?" Deidara whispered, looking to the Jashinist out of the corner of his eye.

"What?"

"Does Itachi have x-ray vision or something, un?"

"Wouldn't surprise me."

Apparently the weasel did not, however, for a moment later his eyes returned to their normal black and he leaned back, frowning at the box. "It appears the wrapping paper has some sort of genjutsu protection in it."

"Well thanks for being so helpful, un," Deidara drawled in a flat tone. "So now we're back to square one, un."

"Have you tried weighing it?" the Uchiha questioned, pulling up a barstool beside Hidan to be more comfortable while scrutinizing the mysterious package.

"We're worried it might be booby-trapped," Hidan explained. "Some fucker trying to make a name for himself by sending presents to people and then blowing them sky high when they open the box. And that's assuming the guy isn't an enemy actively trying to kill us."

"I'll get Sasori danna," Deidara suddenly decided, hopping off his barstool to find the redhead. "He'll know whether it's a trap or not, un."

"Anything else you can tell me about this?" Itachi queried, looking at the box from all angles to see if there were any available hints to its contents.

"Not a damn thing. Don't know who left it, don't know why the hell they left it, and don't know if they're coming back for it."

"Brat, what is so important that you need to drag me out of my room for this?" Sasori's voice demanded, voice carrying from down the hall and attracting the attention of Itachi and Hidan. "That poison I'm creating is highly unstable and takes three days to make properly!"

"But danna, the box could be a trap!" Deidara countered as the artists came into view. "See, there it is, un!"

Appearing less than impressed by the box's presence, Sasori took his sweet time shuffling across the kitchen to the counter. Failing to see anything particularly out of the ordinary, Sasori turned to his partner. "What exactly are you wanting me to check for, brat?"

"Stop calling me that, un! And, well…anything, really. Itachi's eyes are completely useless, go figure (here said Uchiha glared pure death at Deidara) so we need you to figure out if there's anything harmful in it, un."

Sasori rolled his eyes but did as the blond requested. Cautioning the others to move back a safe distance, just in case there really was something foul or dangerous in the package, Sasori slowly began looking the item over. First he walked around the box, observing it from all possible sides and angles. Failing to find anything threatening with this line of searching, he then began to ever so gently poke and prod the package, from the frilly bow on the top to the well-wrapped corners on the bottom. When even this failed to produce any sort of reaction, the Akasuna actually lifted the box and tilted it from side to side. "As far as I can tell, there is absolutely nothing threatening about this box. Now can I please return to my work?"

"How heavy is it?" Itachi inquired. "Can you feel anything moving around inside?"

Sasori gave the package a few more tilts, hoping in vain that his actions would produce some sort of answer for the ninjas present. "It's very light," he stated at last, unable to draw much more of a conclusion. "Probably not more than a couple pounds, and that might just be the packaging. And there's no sound made when I move it, although something is definitely in there."

"Does it roll around or slide, un?" Deidara pressed as he and the others returned to their place at the counter.

"Slide, I'm fairly certain."

"What sound does it make?" Hidan inquired.

"Just a soft sliding noise. Don't touch it!" the Akasuna scolded when Hidan reached for the box. "Hold on, I've got a few chemicals in my room that I want to test on the wrapping paper. If it blocks genjutsu, it might have other harmful effects on the normal human body."

"So what the hell are we supposed to do waiting for fire crotch to get back?" Hidan grumbled as Sasori left the room.

"Don't call danna that, un!" Deidara snapped. "And we guess, based on what danna told us, un."

"Lightweight, doesn't roll, doesn't make noise," Itachi summarized with a thoughtful lilt in his voice. "Perhaps a notebook of some sort?"

"It's not a scroll, or it'd roll around, un," Deidara concluded. "But it might still be a message, un. Not a human head, that would roll, but something that Pein would take as a threat?"

"Why the hell wouldn't they just send a letter," Hidan demanded. "And who said it's even for Pein in the ass? The box doesn't even have a name on it!"

"We should've had Sasori check the bottom while he was in here," Itachi stated. "Could it be an artifact of some sort? A symbolic message to the Akatsuki as a whole."

"Maybe it's some kind of promotional offer, un." Deidara suggested. "You know, they send you something in the mail one day, then send something the next day, and they keep doing it until you're neck deep in useless junk and have to subscribe to get the rest of the junk to figure out what it all's for, un."

"Seems too damn nice to be some shitty junk mail," Hidan remarked.

"I'm back," Sasori called out, reentering the kitchen with several vials of colorful chemicals in his arms. "These should interact with the packaging in a manner not damaging to us."

"But will it damage the wrapping paper?" Itachi pressed. "I'd rather not harm the box if we could."

"And what if it eats through the box and destroys whatever's inside, un?" Deidara added worriedly.

"We'll turn it on its side and test the bottom," Sasori promised, already turning over the box to do just that. The group listened and heard a very soft thud, but nothing more from the Akasuna's action. "That way even if something bad does happen, it'll be nearly invisible and won't damage much."

The trio of Hidan, Deidara, and Itachi watched with bated breath as Sasori tested his concoctions on the box, one by one, drop by tiny little drop. Not a single chemical produced a reaction from the packaging, and most of the liquids slid off before they could even soak in to the paper. "Well now we know for sure that the box is safe to touch," Sasori concluded, handing the box to Itachi to prove his point.

"What's safe to touch?" Kisame called out as he entered the kitchen.

"Hn," Itachi replied, holding up the box for the shark to see.

"What's that?"

"That's what we've been trying to figure out all morning!" Hidan snapped, glaring death at the poor package in Itachi's arms. "None of these fuckers will let me open the damn thing, so we've been turning it and poking it and all kinds of shit to try and figure out what's inside!"

Kisame frowned at this news; the "we" included Itachi, and if the shark knew anything, it was that if his partner was at a loss about something, there was a problem. "Set it on the countertop," he ordered. When Itachi had done this, the swordsman took Samehada from its normal perch on his back and held it over the box in complete silence, concentrating deeply on this task. Finally after a few minutes had passed, he withdrew his sword and offered a helpless shrug. "Whatever it is, it doesn't have any kind of chakra, so it's either dead or something that was never alive in the first place."

"Good to know we've ruled out live animals," Deidara grumbled. "That still leaves us with everything else in the world, un!"

"Did you try shaking it? Like, really trying to move it around," the shark asked. When the other shook their heads, he retrieved the package and vigorously shook it several times. His efforts produced nothing more than a few barely audible thumps, and soon he set the box back down. "Ok, whatever is in there won't react to movement, so like I already said, it's definitely dead or inanimate." Leaning closer, Kisame gave the box a few sniffs. "No smell either, so it's not food."

"Well that really fucking narrows it down," Hidan sarcastically remarked.

"Do we know if it sinks or floats in water?" Kisame inquired. "Or how it reacts to heat or cold. That could tell us what the thing in there is made of, and that _would_ actually narrow it down."

"Any tests like that would be inconclusive due to interference from the box and its packaging," Itachi explained.

"Well is there anything important about the box or wrapping? Seriously, I don't get why you people won't just open it and look inside!"

"The box says not to open it, so we won't open it until we know _why_ this box should not be opened," Sasori clarified. "There may still be a trap inside, but it might only activate when the bow is undone, or the wrapping paper torn, or-"

"All right, I get it," Kisame groaned. "So what do we know about this for sure?"

"The contents are light, won't roll, don't make much noise, and have no chakra and no signs of life," Itachi summarized. "However, the box itself seems to be shielded from both poison and genjutsu, so further testing will be very limited."

"Wait, I just thought of something, un!" Deidara exclaimed. "Tobi!"

"What about him?" Sasori asked.

"Every Christmas that brat figures out what everyone is getting, just by shaking the boxes, un!" Deidara elaborated. "If we could get him to look at the box, maybe we'd get an answer!"

The others took a minute to process the blond's plan. "You know, that's not a terrible idea," Itachi admitted. "Tobi does seem to have an uncanny ability when it comes to guessing presents…"

"Anyone know where the little shit is?" Hidan asked.

"Watch this," Deidara said. Turning to the hallway, the bomber cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Tobi, time to play!"

WHAM

A flash of orange flew through the air and slammed into Deidara, knocking the blond off his barstool and sending him to the ground. "Sempai wants to play!" Tobi squealed, squeezing Deidara like a much loved stuffed animal.

"Tobi, get off before I break your neck, un," Deidara hissed, lips turning blue from a lack of air. Once he'd been released from the masked man's clutches, the bomber stood up and motioned to the package. "Tobi, we'll play, but first we need you to tell us what's in this box, un. Can you do that?"

"Tobi will do his best!" the hyperactive ninja promised, hopping to his feet and scurrying towards the box. Much like Sasori had done earlier, Tobi looked at the box from all sides to see if there were any clues to the contents. Failing to find a hint, the masked ninja picked up the box and vigorously shook it next to his ear (whilst everyone else retreated to a safe distance). He turned it upside-down, sniffed it, shook it again, licked it, spun it around on one finger, and finally dropped it onto the counter. "It's got plastic in it," the masked ninja declared. "Square in shape, and less than two months old."

"How the fuck do you know all that?" Hidan gaped.

"While that's all very well and good, do you know what it actually is?" Sasori asked in an exasperated tone.

"Nope. Sorry Tobi can't be a good boy and say, but there's something weird about this box," Tobi stated.

The others let out sighs of frustration, and Hidan actually smacked the box to the other side of the counter. "Tobi is not a good boy, un," Deidara grumbled.

Tobi let out a whimper at his sempai's assertion and walked to the kitchen's corner, pressing his face against the wall and staying there. "Do I even want to know?" Sasori asked.

"He put himself in timeout, un."

"Jashin damnit, I'm with Kisame! Let's just open the fucking thing!" Hidan screamed.

"Hidan, this is not just about finding out the contents now, it's the principle of the matter," Sasori argued.

"Since when do we have principles?" Kisame whispered to Itachi.

"Tobi? Are you in here?"

The Akatsuki members looked up in time to see Zetsu morph partway through the ceiling, looking around for his partner. "There you are. **Do you have any idea how long we've been looking for you?** You worried us."

"Sorry Zetsu," Tobi apologized from his corner. "But there's this package, see? And Tobi had to try and figure out what was inside, but Tobi can't!"

"Hm?"

"This box appeared out of nowhere, un," Deidara told the schizo. "And we've tried everything to see what's in there, but nothing works!"

Curiosity peeked, Zetsu morphed completely through the ceiling and landed on the ground. He approached the box and began looking it over, much like the others had done before him. "It says not to open it…"

"Fucking thank you captain obvious," Hidan growled.

"However, I could simply morph through the paper and grab whatever is inside, **jackass**," Zetsu finished with a glare at Hidan.

"Seriously? Finally, we'll get an answer!" Deidara cheered as the others crowded closer, eager to discover the box's secret.

Carefully, Zetsu moved his hand to rest on the top of the box. Taking a deep breath, the schizo began pressing down on the lid of the package, eyes narrowed in concentration. This continued for several moments more, until at last the cannibal was forced to retract his hand with a frown. "This wrapping paper is blocking my technique."

"All right, stand back!" Hidan ordered, suddenly brandishing his scythe with reckless abandon. "I'm gonna slice that fucker open and get an answer right fucking now!"

"I'm with Hidan on this," Kisame agreed. "We've tried every other option, guys. Nothing works!"

"Hold on, there's still no way to be sure that whatever is in there won't kill us as soon as we open it," Sasori cautioned. "We need to be careful in how we approach this."

"Approach what?" Kakuzu asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Oh for the love of- there's this fucking package, see?" Hidan snapped, motioning to the gift-wrapped box in question. "And we don't know where the fuck it came from, we don't know who the fuck sent it, and we sure as hell don't know what the fuck is inside it because these fucking cocksuckers won't let me open the Jashin-damned fucker because it might fucking kill us!"

"Geez Hidan, think you said 'fuck' enough times?" Kisame asked with a smirk.

"Oh go to hell!"

"Hmm…" Kakuzu hummed, looking the box over. "Maybe I could slide my threads under the wrapping paper and feel it out."

"Would that work?" Deidara eagerly inquired. By now, everyone was dying to see what was in the box.

"Perhaps. But why didn't you just make Zetsu morph through the paper?"

"Tried. Failed," the schizo explained. He'd gone to the corner to keep his partner company, whereas Tobi, interpreting this as Zetsu also putting himself in timeout, was gently patting the man on the shoulder and promising him softly that they could still be good boys despite this setback.

"In that case, my normal threads might be stopped," Kakuzu reasoned. "Sasori, do you still have that potion that blocks chakra interference?"

"Yes. Shall we get it?" Kakuzu nodded, and the two scurried out of the room.

"Hn," Itachi murmured before exiting the kitchen himself.

"Itachi says he's going to research if anyone has sent booby-trapped packages to any ninjas in the last few years," Kisame explained. "I better go with him."

"I'll look up bombs made like this to see if I need to disarm the box, un," Deidara suggested before dashing from the room.

"Finally," Hidan whispered, grinning widely as he brought his scythe overhead and aimed it at the poor present.

"And Zetsu, don't let Hidan destroy the box, un!"

Hidan's joy was cut short as the schizo tackled the Jashinist to the ground and dragged both of them to timeout. This was looking to be a long day.

-meanwhile, miles away-

For the first time in a very long while, Konan was completely relaxed. She was stretched out on a lounge chair, shaded from the sun by a large but hideously flowery umbrella, and was sipping a fruity drink that had been served to her in a coconut cup. Pein was stretched out on a massage table nearby, getting a backrub from one of the spa's many masseuses. "Honey, this is wonderful," the origami mistress cooed from her seat. "We haven't had a day off in years."

"Mm," Pein grunted, clearly more relaxed than he'd been for a long while.

"I told you, didn't I? Those other incidents were just flukes. There's no harm in leaving the others alone at the base every now and again."

"Oh yes there is, Konan. But this time, I took certain precautions."

Konan gave the man her full attention and quirked a brow at him. "How so?"

Pein let out a happy sigh and smiled, and Konan was fairly certain it wasn't entirely because of the massage. "I left a jutsu-proof package in the kitchen with a 'don't touch' note stuck to it."

"Pein, you didn't!"

"Oh, but I did."

"It'll drive them crazy!"

"Yes, but they'll be so busy trying to figure out what's inside that they won't have any time or energy left to destroy my precious base."

Konan leaned back in her seat, turning the idea over in her head a few times. It did seem perfect, but there was still one thing she had to know. "So, what's in it?"

"A CD case full of stickers and coupons for free pizza."

"That's just evil."

"Well at least they can drown their disappointment in greasy, cheesy goodness." And with that Pein closed his eyes and went back to his happy place.

Konan, in turn, shook her head and returned to sipping her drink. She was positive that there would be bitching about the package when they got home, but none of it would be focused on Pein because there would be no way to figure out that the box had been sent by Sir Leader. So for now, she just needed to sit back, relax, and enjoy their mini-vacation.


End file.
